The Secret Life of the Malfoy's
by ScifiSOS
Summary: Don't you absolutely hate it when you find out a secret? Especially when it was right in front of you your whole life? Yeah well welcome to my life. I never knew the secrets of my very own family, the Malfoy family, it seems." - SLASH HPDM,future lemon
1. Ch 1 Secrets Ch 2 WHAT!

_**The Secret Life of the Malfoy's**_

_**Warning: lots of slash, fem-slash, straightness too XD. Lemons most likely will be here too. Crack maybe. Yup I'm on it definitely.**_

_**Disclaimer: I am not the owner of these characters! Only mine. **_

_**Ch. 1 : I hate secrets**_

_**--**_

_You know how everyone has their secrets? Or how you find out a secret and you can't believe you didn't see it? Or maybe it was in front of you the whole fucking time and you missed it completely?!_

_Don't you hate it when you find out the secret? Like absolutely loathe it that you're the last to know?_

_Yeah well welcome to my life. I never knew all the secrets of my very own family, the __Malfoy__ family, it seems._

_--_

"Oh shove it Malfoy."

"Make me Potter."

A smirk – very unlikely smirk appeared on Golden Boy. I smiled or wickedly grinned whichever you wish to call it. It is exactly what I needed – a heated Gryffindork. I braced myself as I felt a punch to the face. It hurt, goddamnit it hurt but I needed some serious anger release.

Almost instantly I recovered from the blow and threw a punch back. We went at it all right. Even when we fought we never held back – especially when we weren't using magic. I think it has something to do with the adrenaline that is pumping through our veins. I took a blow to the gut and doubled over. Yes, this is how it is meant to be. Golden boy and I fighting ourselves to what may a bloody death someday.

"MR. MALFOY! MR. POTTER!" a woman's voice ranged out. Great it's Mcggonibitch. "COME WITH ME!"

We sneered at each other and kept our distance as we followed behind her. I glared at the Weasel who muttered another insulting remark. The stupid bloke used a huge word which I highly doubt he knows what it means. I shook my head with pure amusement and bewilderment at the idiot's stupidity. I felt a gaze and glanced at Potter who was giving me a strange look.

I sneered and looked ahead at the Mcggonibitch. '_I'm pretty curious to find out what she would do if I called her that.'_

We reached her classroom which hasn't changed for years and strangely smelled like sex. It wouldn't be surprising because everyone finds it exciting to shag like bunnies in this room oddly, I think the old hag enjoys the free porn. Damnit I made myself uncomfortable talking about sex. It always does that to me. I don't mean uncomfortable in a sexual way.

"You two have done it this time!" the hag started out.

Same speech. We've all heard it before. I bet everyone she's caught doing 'hormonal' activities have received this speech. I found myself daydreaming until one certain line hit me like another punch to the face…actually more like a kick in the balls.

"You two will get along! I will see to it! From now on you both will be chained to each other!"

"WHAT?!" our yells rang and oh I meant rang literally.

"You heard me! You two will be chained together until you learn how to stand each other!"

Potter glanced at me then back at the hag. "You can't do that!"

"I swear I'll have my father on this." My word was meant to be threatening. I swear it either my father will be on this or I'll get on that bitches back and rip her hair roots right out of her fucking head.

"I do not care." A swish of the wand and I heard metal clang onto the stone ground. I looked at my right wrist and cursed. "You got to be fucking kidding me." I heard the Golden boy whisper.

While Potter and I practice some more time glaring the chain, hoping it would melt away the hag got a hold of Dumbledore. The communication was quick and simple.

I didn't notice she was done until she spoke up. "It is arranged. Follow me."

We did. Potter was walking quickly and dragging me along with me. "Fuck Potter slow down. We're not all Speedy Gonzalez."

Potter stopped and first gave me a confused look then an angered look. Before I know it I was being dragged again. Wow he's angrier than me. This is surprising.

Our pace quickened until we stopped in front of a portrait I have never seen before. It kind of looked like a butler…with what looked like a sword. The painting was handsome at that. Auburn brown hair and hazel eyes with a body that screams…erm…sexual stuff.

"Well hello miss hag what can I do for you today?" the picture spoke. Mcggonibitch humphed.

"These two boys will be staying here." She turned to us. "The password is-"

The picture cut her off. "I think the password should be 'Fuck you.'"

The hag gaped and sent a quick glare to the picture. "The password is-"

"I said it's 'fuck you' bitch why don't you move on! They know the password now so just go dust off the webs between your legs!"

It was painfully hard not to snicker but I managed it.

The hag huffed and puffed but didn't blow anything down for once. She just went Speedy Gonzalez on us.

"AND BRING MAX BACK OVER HERE YOU BITCH! I KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO TOOK HIM YOU SEXUALLY DEPRIVED SLIME!!" The picture yelled after her.

You could here the 'why I never' from all the way over here.

Once she left completely, I bursted out laughing. "Dear Merlin that was fucking fantastic!"

"Why thank you. I always hated her." The painting replied.

Potter chuckled. "That was brilliant."

The painting snickered and took a bow. "I know I am. Anywho I was serious about the password. I want her to say that whenever she has to check up on you. By the way are you into kinky because the chain suggests it."

"NO!" we both screamed. I felt a shiver stroll its way down my back. I could never really understand it with people and…um…sex.

Speaking of Potter his face was flushed. He pushed up his glasses. "Mrs. McGonagall made us wear them because she caught us fighting. She says we have to get along."

"Get your ears checked Potter she said until we can stand each other. Which I must say we are doing right now so why aren't these fucking chains off!"

The painting laughed with humor. "Does it matter?! Just imagine all the kinky stuff you could do with them! Oh I wish she hadn't removed Max away from me! If I had a pair of those – oh you would hear it."

I held my hand up. "I don't want to hear the activities of a painting…" I smiled sincerely which shocked Potter because I heard him taking a step back. "I am Draco Malfoy and you are?"

"Pish posh I knew your names already especially yours Malfoy. I would be an idiot not to know. Anyways handsome I'm named Lexie. Yes, I know it's a girl name but hey I can't help but love it."

I smiled. I had a feeling that this portrait was the best out of all of them. And how did he know mine especially?

"Draco did you know I used to be a painting in your parents bedroom?"

I raised my eyebrows. "I didn't know that."

"Oh the cruelty, I was blinded by being in there. Well sometimes actually. Blinded by something that should have traumatized you not me."

I cocked my head to the side. Ignoring another one of Potter's stunned reactions. "By what? What should have traumatized me?"

Lexie covered his mouth and a blush formed on the paintings cheeks. "Oh my your father did say your mind was too innocent for a Malfoy."

Potter busted out laughing at this. "M-M-Malfoy? Innocent? Haahahha!!"

I instantly sent him an icy glare. "If I'm innocent then Potter should be considered a saint wouldn't you say?"

Once the words left my mouth he laughed even louder to the point where he couldn't breathe.

"Oh Malfoy you have no idea."

Lexie decided to butt in. "You can give him an idea inside the room just say the password and I'm all ears."

I seriously didn't understand. An idea of what?

"Maybe. What about it Malfoy?" Potter smirked – a smirk that had some meaning behind it. I really didn't want to know the meaning so I went with my instinct.

"No Potter." I turned to Lexie and smiled as I said the password. I dragged Potter in with me and gasped. "Oh my lord either someone designed this blindly or was hoping we would be blind before we walked in."

Potter sighed. "Their just Gryffindor colors Malfoy. Their not going to kill you."

"Bloody hell their not. I will change it before they do!" I instantly took out my wand and froze. I looked down at the chain and then at my wand.

"It's a bad idea Malfoy. Mrs. McGonagall but this on us. She's smarter than that."

"Oh shut up Pothead." I whispered a spell and the chain disappeared. I raised my eyebrow and waited. All of a sudden I saw the metal…well actually felt it. I shivered. "Aw damnit."

Potter must have noticed how the chain went under my robes. "Um…where did it go?"

I growled. "It around my chest."

It was too. It was crossed around my chest. I growled again when I heard Potter snicker. I turned to him and pointed my wand at him. "Stop laughing at me!"

"I told you not too." He mocked. I glared. Potter faked a scared face and chuckled.

After I changed the rooms Potter and I settled down to a now black couch.

--

5 minutes later

--

"So, um, Potter what were you and Lexie talking about out there? You know…about the idea thing?"

I saw a shocked look go onto Potter's face. Then a slow smirk.

"It's a secret Malfoy."

I mentally groaned in my head.

_I hate secrets._

_**--**_

_**Alas chapter one ends there. I know you're screaming at me telling me why the hell did I start ANOTHER story. Well it's solely because I lost my backup files on my usb drive too. Lesson learnt always do the procedure when taking out an usb drive. Anyways I did this to get rid of the rustiness. I know why don't I work on the stories with the one part two parts. Well it's because they are really LOOONG parts. XD. Don't worry I will rewrite all the chapters that were cleaned out and lost. Well just because I wrote a note here doesn't mean I'm ending this story.**_

_**:] welcome to chapter two: My father did WHAT with WHO?!**_

_**Aw yes, I just realized the chain thing might remind people of death note. Darn me for realizing it now…I'm too lazy to thing of something else so it is staying I tell you. STAYING!**_

_**--**_

Twenty minutes alone with Potter and I'm already going insane. There is nothing to do in this room quite literally. I let out a frustrated scream which caused Potter to flinch from his spot on the couch across from me.

He groaned. "Keep it down Malfoy I'm trying to sleep here."

"But I'm bored!" I whined. Potter gave me a look that made me realize my slip up. Malfoy's don't whine…well at least in front of Gryffindor's they don't.

Potter just shook his head. "Well why don't you just go and talk to Lexie. I can extend the chains again."

I shrugged. "I have the feeling Lexie will talk about nothing except…um…hormonal activities."

Potter sat up and stared at me long and hard. EW. That didn't sound right.

"Say the word Malfoy."

This caused me to raise one eyebrow. "Say what?"

"Say sex Malfoy. It's not that hard. S-E-X. Sex."

I felt myself beginning to flush and looked down to the ground like it was going to hide my face. "I don't have to listen to you Potter." I said with confidence even though it was wavering inside of me.

"Chicken. You can't even look at me and say sex. Pffft what happened to you Malfoy?"

I growled. I looked up at him and breathed in. "Sex. There I said it. S-Sex!"

"You stuttered. Do you have some mysterious complex with saying the word or something? I thought you were supposed to be the sex god of slytherin."

I felt my hands clutch my knees tightly on their own. "Oh what's it matter to you if I can say the word or not?"

"It doesn't matter. I just find it highly amusing."

That does it.

I lunged from my couch to his. My hands tried to wrap onto his neck but he grabbed them. He seemed aware of something almost immediately but seriously I am only aware of the fact that my hands weren't on his throat yet.

It wasn't until I heard Lexie make a comment. "Oh my it seems I was about to miss some hot kinky sex."

I froze and looked down. I jumped off scolding myself deeply. How could I not notice the way I was sitting on him?! I shivered at the thought.

"Aw damn me and my big mouth!" Lexie exclaimed with complete amusement. "You react worse than your father! Seriously whenever I interrupted him through his threesome sessions."

"WHAT WHAT WHAT?!" I screamed and turned towards the painting which was now facing inside the room.

"Oh you didn't know? Hmm…well then forget I said anything hun."

I shook my head. "Oh hell no, know your going to tell me and tell me NOW!"

Lexie shrugged. "Oh alright."

I turned to Potter. "Make this chain longer so you can go into another room."

Potter laughed. "Hell no. I'm about to get some great black mail material here."

I growled. I can't believe the words that were going to come out of my mouth right about…now. "Please Potter?"

Potter smiled, unsurprised about how I'm acting now, yup he just smiled and wiggled his eyebrows the word 'no' playing on his lips.

"No."

I trembled with anger but looked towards Lexie. "Well?"

"Well…your father was having a threesome with…Oh well let's start from the beginning. It was about 11:30 on I believe was your fifth year at Hogwarts…"

--

_I was on the wall in the Malfoy manor as usual when the door banged open. Lucius was thrown into the room. At first I thought he was going to get killed but I waited because I had a feeling it wasn't that._

_Instead in came Narcissa in a leather outfit and a whip._

_--_

I put up my hand and hid my face behind the other. "What the fuck?!"

"Oh shut up and listen." Lexie stuck his tongue out and continued.

--

"_Oh Lucius you've done it this time. You got your master mad. BOTH of you."_

_Both? I questioned. Narcissa tugged at a string in her hand and in came another man. I believe his name was…Sirius Black._

_--_

I turned to Potter and he didn't seem surprised while I was practically breaking my jaw from my mouth being open so wide.

"No reaction to this Potter." It wasn't a question but an observation.

He shrugged. "Actually I already knew. I just assumed you did too."

I scowled. My life is fucked up.

"Ahem. I was about to continue with the stooory."

--

_Anyways he was tugged in – smiling like a lust filled man. Lucius got to his knees and wrapped his arms around Narcissa._

"_Oh I know." With a seductive tone. Sirius got on his knees too and rubbed his head against her ass-_

--

"ARGH!"

Lexie and Potter jumped. "What? What happened?!"

I shook my head. "I do NOT want to know about my parents…um…'hormonal' activities!"

Lexie whimpered then smiled. "If I tell it as if Narcissa wasn't there would that be better. I think it would be!"

I gaped and shook my head wildly. "NO! It wouldn't!"

Potter just chuckled and slouched onto the couch getting ready to sleep again.

I turned and stomped my way in front of him. My hopes of the glare shooting a whole through his hair clearly impossible.

He looked up at me. "What?"

I screamed which seemed to startle the two once again then I pointed at him. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR GODFATHER DID THAT TO MY FATHER! YOU ARE ALLLLL SICK PERVERTS." I tried to run into the room but found myself falling.

I soon met with darkness.

_I absolutely __**hate **__my life._

_--_

_**Hope you liked. =\ I aint going to edit this. I'm too tired. Good Night people**_


	2. Puffy, Freckles, and the Slytherin prick

_**A/ N: Beware of the character hating on each other– for my own sadistic (not really) pleasure. And the characters do not look how they do in the movie. I'll leave most of it to your imagination of how you would want them to look like. Also I'm not sure if the spells are right. Or at least the first one mentioned in this chapter.**_

_**Disclaimer: **__**Suure**__** I own Harry Potter…please note the sarcasm.**_

_--_

_Although I do admit some secrets are not worth traumatizing yourself for. I mean they lead you to some frightful conclusions._

_--_

A pout formed on my lips. I crossed my arms and slouched on the couch. I can't believe I tripped like that in front of Harry freaking Potter.

I sighed. Although I am glad he casted eneverate **(sp?) **right away. Despite the throbbing pain residing on my forehead.

"Don't pout Malfoy it really doesn't suit you. Seriously I spent six years looking at your sneers – please don't make me convert to the pouts."

I tugged roughly on the metal chain that was latched around my chest – that is reaaaaaally annoying.

"Whoa!"

I snickered. And looked down at Potter who was now on the floor.

The small entertainment that had brought to me ended and I found watching Potter make his way back on the couch. He gave me a rude hand gesture and smirked.

It was one of those oh-so-annoying smirks that could put even the snottiest person, in the world I might add (and it's not me), in their place. I tightened my jaw before I let out a loud groan thinking about what I 'discovered' a little while ago.

_--_

_Chuckle. _

"_You fry your brain Malfoy?"_

"_SHUT UP POTTER!"_

"_Awwwww the ferret's angry –"_

_Pause._

"_Do I want to know why you suddenly have a look of horror on your face Malfoy?"_

_Silence._

"…_Malfoy?"_

"_..."_

"_Are you alright?"_

"_OHMYFUCKINMERLINSRIGHTBALL AREN'T SIRIUS AND MOTHER RELATED!? WHY WOULD THEY HAVE S-S – DO IT TOGETHER?!?!"_

"_If I may interrupt I'd like to say your mother was too busy sucking off your father. (Insert Lexie's perverted voyeur look)Besides – Sirius always had his cock up your father's ars-"_

"_I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW!!!"_

"_Oh…"_

"…"

"…" _(Insert Potter's attempt at NOT laughing his ass off.)_

"_Damn now I'm horny."_

_(Insert Potter rolling on the floor laughing.)_

"_I hate you both."_

_--_

"You know Malfoy you have to admit your mother's pretty hot. And your dad doesn't have a bad arse either."

I choked and stuttered. I cleared my throat and threw Harry-_**Potter**_ an incredulous look. "Y-You know Potter you are too brusque for your own good. And why in the bloody hell were you checking out my _**parents**_?! BOTH OF THEM?!"

His grin reminds me of the freaky cat from that muggle movie. Alice in Wonderland I think it was called? What? I'm not a complete muggle hater!

…

On certain occasions at least.

"Well at least I didn't have my mother willingly fucking with relatives."

I smirked. "Forgive me if I'm wrong Potter but I do believe that Black was your **godfather** who willingly got on his knees for my **mother.**"

My smirk widened at his silence back which lasted about five seconds before his response made me growl.

"At least he was **man **enough to top **Lucius Malfoy**." Potter said with a smirk.

I wiped my wand out from my robe pocket to hex him when a loud scream outside Lexie's portrait (which reminds me I have to ask him how he switches sides) echoed into our new 'dorm'.

--

"WE ARE HARRY'S FRIENDS!! JUST LET US IN ALREADY!"

---

Sounds like Granger.

---

"Except the Slytherin – he can just flitter away."

---

I think that's the Weasel's voice.

---

"Sorry dear but you do have to say the password." Lexie said sounding a bit irritated.

---

"BUT IT'S NOT APPROPIATE!"

---

Definitely Granger.

---

"Seriously Weasley you have to get over the fact that not ALLLLL Slytherin's are evil selfish spoiled pricks."

---

I groaned. Oh joy Zabini came along. Don't get me wrong he's my best mate and all but he's a bit…um…what other word can I use for annoying or obnoxious?

--

"Prove it Zabini."

--

I wonder…

--

"I am speaking to you in a civil polite manner aren't I?"

"Tch – doesn't mean anything."

--

Yeah they sound like they could be having a lovers spat. One of the stupid ones at least. And NO their not lovers. I gaped. Or at least I hope not. I shut my jaw when I saw Potter looking at me strangely. That's been happening since we got chained together – which wasn't long. About two hours ago. Oh how time flies! We could be in China right now.

I let out a small giggle – I mean chuckle. Malfoy's don't giggle.

"Did you just _giggle_!?" Potter 'asked' while staring at me with disbelief.

"NO! It was a very manly chuckle!" I spat out. I crossed my arms and put on my pout again. Potter opened his mouth but we froze when Granger screamed.

--

"OH FOR MERLIN'S SAKE CAN'T YOU AT LEAST INFORM HARRY THAT WE'RE HERE?!"

"MAYBE IF YOU STOP SCREAMING AT ME!" Lexie yelled at the girl who happened to have hair that was the disaster of the century. "And do something about your hair! It's soo…puffy. Have you ever thought of installing a hair straighter in your wand? I also know a few spells. Not to mention have you ever heard of manicures? I mean seriously look at your nails! Such a waste."

"WHY YOU STUPID LITTLE-"

-

"It does mean something! For Merlin's sake how does Potter put up with you?! You ill-tempered idiot!"

"AH-HA you are like the other Slytherin's! You just loooove insulting us Gryffindor's don't you!?"

"I call you an idiot and all of a sudden I'm another Slytherin prick?! Fine let me live up to it then. Not only are you an idiot but you're a no good, attention seeking, cocksucker that can't see past the black and white!"

"Fuck you Zabini!"

"Sorry I'm not attractive to pestiferous red heads."

"Pestifer-wha? Is that even a word?"

"It's called a dictionary you idiot – maybe you should look **that **up sometime."

"Yeah well…weeeeelll…"

"…Weeeeelllllll?" Blaise voice was practically smirking for him.

"At least I'm not a Slytherin bastard!"

"Oh great comeback Weasley. I hope you're smart enough to note the sarcasm."

"You-"

"WILL YOU TWO STOP YOUR STUPID LITTLE LOVERS SPAT AND HELP ME OUT HERE?!"

--

I could practically hear the pin hit the ground. I laughed when I heard Lexie.

--

"OOOH a lovers spat? Oh man you two are lucky. Make-up sex is always great after Angry sex. That hard cock pumping in-"

"WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!" the two idiots screamed along with Grangers "NOT APPROPIATE!"

I looked at Harry- I mean Potter. Damn getting to comfortable at him. That one look though sent us both on the floor laughing our asses off.

"…Is it my imagination or do I hear Malfoy and Potter laughing, together, in the same room?"

Granger snorted. "Very observant Zabini I believe you deserve a Double O for obvious observations. Although you forgot to mention the fact that they might be able to hear us!"

"Merlin woman you wound me so! I never thought you, Granger, could be so cold hearted to poor little old me! I have done nothing to you- Oh don't you snort at me Weasley!"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Yet." Granger and Zabini said simultaneously.

I quickly got up from the couch and spelled 'engorgio' on the chain. I walked up to the blank side of the portrait. "Lexie?"

The portrait switched sides. "…Do I have to let them in? They are quite annoying. Plus I have a bad urge to burn that girl's hair off and I want to braid that…uuum…Zabini kid hair. Why does he have it long? Not to mention it's not brushed. Although it's kind of attractive…"

I snorted. "I agree." I paused before adding quickly. "On the long part."

I heard Granger whisper 'Is my hair that bad?' to Weasley who let out a whimper. I guess Granger gave him the look to not lie or you'll die.

"Anyways let them in." I said before speed walking to the couch again. I sat down across from Potter who had fixed up his look a bit. His face was red from laughing.

Merlin he looks like he had the best shag in his life…fuck…did I just think that?!

"Fiiine you can go in. But only because Mister Prude there gave the ok. Next time you HAVE to say the password."

"It's inappropriate!" Granger yelled. Lexie mocked her before opening up.

There stood the tanned Blaise Zabini whose black hair ended near the bottom of his butt, the red head terror whose freckles could cover most of the wizardly world if it became infectious **(sp?)**, and Granger whose hair may one day cause a Solar Eclipse.

She gave us a heavy glare. "I assume you had a reason for not helping us?" She said with a light but dangerous tone.

I swallowed and I imagine Potter did the same.

If looks could kill I'd be dead.

**_-----_**

**_OMG an updation! -checks if its real - IT EXITS ITS NOT FAKE! OMG OMG OMG! -faints-_**

**_sorry about that. I've had one to many sodas. anyways i am not editing that. i mean it was like my spur of the moment omg i have to write it thing. i think my writers block has ended. I was wondering why i kept getting headaches XD. no in all seriousness i have been getting headaches for the past three days in a row. they appear on my left side and rarely on the right side of my brain. it hurts like fuck. my mum says she wants to get me checked up but i'm refusing. first i hate doctors. second i really dont think we could afford it._**

**_sorry for the late updation (i'll be using that word for a while). i've been busy trying to turn in make up work for school. Guess what? I made NHS(national honors society) omg. its like a shocker for me cuse i suck at school. although junior year somehow ended up being my somewhat smarter year. i lack vocab skills to replace this authors horrible word choices._**

**_God I like this song 'Knock you down' by Keri Hilson ft with Ne-yo and Kanye. I don't know why but its just catchy to me. Then again alot of songs are catchy. _**

**_What's better - pepsi or coca cola? Personally I like pepsi(diet). diet pepsi because my mum forced a switch when she started buying diet sodas like crazy. Tch. its not like it actually helps a diet. _**

**_Anyways did you like this chapter? hate it? loathe it? I would loathe it too. it's not exactly edited as you can see the (sp) signifiers there. also is it eneverate that 'revives' a person? I can't remember. I saw it before but i think i could be mistaking it for another spell. I won't be surprised it that was true. I have a horrible memory._**

**_I thought i'd do an updation with you on the poll about My Savior and My Dragon story (this is for you people who might now bout it). I seriously like have that poll up on whether to 1. keep writing it (since Xavi wont do it and I will have to) 2. Let it be adopted (yeaah find someone with my somewhat or maybe better writing style? idk) 3. Flipping Xavi off for being the lazy ass. 4. Delete (heartbreaking isn't it?) so far I got 4's on the 1,2, and 3 option and one vote on 4. in that case it doesn't really help me in chosing. Although I found Xavi's draft. I am wondering why he drew a stick figure with large boobs on the side of the page - stupid pervert. Sooo yeaah. Please those of you who have read that story vote on the poll. I need to know what you people want me to do with it before i go delete crazy. (yes it is possible and slightly scary. Scarier if i start laughing like a madman- woman i mean damn sexist words XD jk)_**

**_ah - this is to discourage you little anoymonous reviewers who leave stupid reviews (if you saw my reply on Give it to me - and yes i'm shamelessly promoting my stories XD sue me) If you leave a review like - what was her name? abraxa malfoy? whatever. anyways if you leave a review that is like hers (when i say that i mean it has no point and no real criticism) then be warned - I will react. Especially if its when i just woke up. I will bash the little reviewer even leave the To: random person (or whatever name you leave) as a chapter for all to read. Unless your signed in then i'll personally go to your email and ask (demand whichever) the reason why you don't like my story. Seriously you can't leave a review like 'you fucking suck at writing' and ect just run off to Candy Mountain. I mean you leave us poor writers in a daze. The dizzy spell lasts for two minutes before you have us flipping the bird at you. (my dad calls the middle finger the bird - don't ask me why i'm picking it up)._**

**_sorry for the ranting. i'm a little hyper as i said. two sodas means hyperactive giddy slash yuri crazy fangirl which brings potential danger to all those poor souls within an arms length. Anyways I really do hope you enjoyed this chapter no matterrr hoooooooww crappy it is! Please have an enjoyable evening/night/day (depends where you from)._**


	3. Drama Kings, Snickers,and MERLINS BALLS!

_If looks could kill I'd be dead._

_--_

I coughed. It was so silent I couldn't handle it. I looked at Potter and we started laughing again.

"I don't think it's so funny! He insulted me!" Granger screeched. I stopped laughing for a minute just to see Blaise cover his ears.

"Stop you're ranting woman you're making my ears bleed." Blaise walked away from a seething Granger and sat next to me. He took my hand and stroked it. "Draco darling how is you're mind fairing?"

I sighed dramatically. "Sadly I have been losing brain cells each minute I've spent with this idiot."

"Oh poor dear, McGonagall had no right at all to put you with a barbarian!" Blaise leaned in. "How can I make it better for you dearest?"

I took my hand away and used it to tap my chin with a finger. I pouted my lips out as if in thought. "Well I haven't really thought of anything recently."

"I could bring Theo here if you like." Blaise smirked. I glared at him.

"Not funny. I rather not have that guy pouncing on me anytime soon." I watched as the Golden Trio seemed to move in a corner and they were whispering. "Besides he tries to hard."

"Ah yes, I still remember when he shoved his hand down your pants and…"

A loud slap echoed in the room. The Golden Trio's heads slowly turned towards the two where I tapped my foot and crossed my arms. Blaise blinked then gave a slow, evil in my eyes, smirk.

I gasped and stood up at the same time he did effectively covering his mouth as he opened it. "Don't you dare think about it Blaise ZabIIII-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! You licked my palm! Where is my wand ?! Get it off –eeeeeww saliva!" I pulled my hand away spinning in a circle to find a tissue or my wand.

Blaise then ran around the couch screaming. "LIKE THE TIME HE SHOVED HIS HANDS DOWN YOUR PANTS AND GRABBED YOUR-OOF!"

We both landed behind the couch on the ground. I straddled his hips and covered his nose and mouth. "You slimy little greasy son of a b-"

"LANGUAGE!" a banshee shriek broke through my oncoming rant. I froze realizing I was straddling my best friend. I also realized that something was poking my butt. Something that was **bigger** than a wand.

I acted like anyone else would act in that situation. First I-

---

_Due to the length of Draco's process on: how to react when you have a prick poking your arse (a long name to go with the long process.) ScifiSOS gives you a special quest act from __**A VERY POTTER MUSICAL**__. Please welcome their slightly delirious semi-hot muscular version of Voldemort and his old pal Professor Quirrel!_

_**"As Different As Can Be" Lyrics (by AJ Holmes):**_

_QUIRRELL:_

_You won't sleep on your tummy_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_You won't sleep on your back_

_VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:_

_We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree_

_QUIRRELL:_

_We share some hands and fingers_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_And yet the feeling lingers_

_VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:_

_We're just about as different as anyone could be_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_You like plotting a garden and I like plotting to kill_

_QUIRRELL:_

_You think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!_

_Sipping tea by the fires swell_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_Pushing people in is fun as well_

_I like folding all my ties_

_QUIRRELL:_

_And you have no friends, hey thats a surprise_

_VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:_

_I guess its plain to see _

_when you look at you and me_

_were different_

_different_

_as can be_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_Youre a sissy, a twat a girl! Im the darkest of lords!_

_QUIRRELL:_

_Im the brightest professor here, Ive won several awards_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_My new world is about to unfold_

_QUIRRELL:_

_You got beat by a two year_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_Ill kill him this time through and through_

_QUIRRELL:_

_Or you might just give him another tattoo_

_VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:_

_You really must agree _

_when you look at you and me_

_were different_

_different_

_as can-_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_Ill rise again and Ill rule the world_

_But you must help me renew_

_For when our plan succeeds_

_QUIRRELL:_

_Prevails!_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_Part of that world goes to you_

_QUIRRELL:_

_When I rule the world Ill plant flowers_

_VOLDEMORT:_

_When I rule the world Ill have snakes_

_And goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals, _

_a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!_

_(QUIRRELL: And Jane Austin novels)_

_VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:_

_When I rule the world!! Hahahaha!!!!_

_----_

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! WHATEVER PERVERTED THOUGHTS YOU HAVE KEEP THEM AWAY FROM MY ARSE ZABINI!" I shrieked cuddling in the nice fine corner approximately ten or fifteen feet from the culprit. Not that he really did anything. Yet – the key word is yet.

Blaise gave me a coy look. "Who says it's not my wand?"

I heard one of the trio say 'oh it's a **wand** all right.' And it disturbingly sounded like the Weasel. Despite that tiny distraction I curled up in a ball, hoping my legs covered any view of my crotch or arse (despite them being covered by my trousers), and wrapped my arms around them in the process. I gave Blaise the 'I-am-not-stupid' look and he visibly looked satisfied. He got up from the floor and wiped his bum. Granger gasped and I could only guess she saw the very visible hard on showing through the oaf's pants.

"Well if that's all –"

I jumped up and walked towards him again making sure there was at least two feet in between us. "No that is not all! I need you to get my homework because I think our schedules will change and since it was Mcggonabitch-" Blaise snickered but I ignored him. "who did this so she most likely put me in Gryffindork-" someone in the Golden Trio hissed at me. What are they- a snake? "classes."

"I know what you could do to get out of those classes!" Blaise said jumping closer in excitement. I squeaked, which resulted me being snickered at, and backed away, which caused even more snickering. Great, now I want that muggle candy. What was it called? Snickers? I gave place a curious look as if I wasn't just thinking about candy (for fuck's sake why can't it just magically pop up!). "How?"

"You could repeatedly bang your head on the wall and pass out."

Silence didn't even exist because of his stupidity. "Moron." I deadpanned. Blaise gave me a fake hurt look.

"Oh Draco sweetie that got me – that got me hard-" He patted his hand over his heart. "Right here – with a knife." I rolled my eyes. If you think this is dramatic just wait until real drama happens. Blaise was like a house elf on crack. Of course he would act it all out so no one takes it seriously but- well it is kind of funny when it happens.

"By the way did you do your Muggle studies essay? I can't believe we had to write about our opinions on muggles. Seriously, there are Slytherin's in her class, what did she THINK they were going to put?" He rolled his eyes most likely insulting the teacher in his head. "Anyways what did you put? In summary I put that Muggles are just there. That I don't care what they do."

I looked behind me and straight at Granger. I could already see the fangs grow. I didn't need to be punched like that time in third year. Bloody hell she could punch. I looked back at Blaise and whispered. "I put Muggles Suck."

Blaise snorted. "Oh yeah. Real nice. You know you could be a writer just like that." He snapped his fingers to make his point. I sighed. "Plot? Pfft. What Plot? Character Depth? Who needs character when you got looks? Oh Merlin's Balls!" He screamed out suddenly. I didn't hear the Golden Trio react so I guess they finally decided to ignore us. "I just realized that you don't have any character! Draco do you know what this means?! It means you're like- completely dull- sure you got a nice…firm…really, reaaaally nice arse…but that's beside the point. You have like- no character!!"

I gave him an un-amused glare. He was starting to annoy me. My glare intensified as he stared at me like he was expecting me to answer. Blaise gave me an innocent smile, a sinister innocent smile before leaning forward, kissing my cheek, and…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I jumped probably ten feet high. I put my hands over my butt as if to protect it and glared at him. He began inching his way towards Lexie who, I might add, was watching with a little too much amusement. "Blaise Zabini-" I started. I smirked as he flinched at my tone. "-if you value your dick you better get out before I shove it up your-"

He left before I could finish. I could hear Lexie screaming at him for slamming the portrait. I turned around and walked past the Trio and into the separate room slamming the door behind me.

I'm not sure but I could have sworn I heard Potter say: "So he does know what a dick is!" I shrugged before finding way onto the bed and passing out. Besides, it was Sunday, who gives a damn if I slept all day.

----

_**There is the end of this crappy chapter. I mean really who likes my lame humor? Anyways I am curious as to why people are reading this! It has no details what-so-ever (well it was meant for mainly dialogue and sex but still!). There is like no real plot except trying to get Draco out of his prude like state. –sighs- oh well. I still hope you enjoyed this chapter! Oh! Watch the musical thingie if you haven't. It is like so funny and awesome!!**_

_**Have a nice night!**_

_**-ScifiSOS**_

**_Next Chapter: Some new secrets are discovered. Just remember - you could get traumatized if you dig too deep! Then again that already happened. Oh well!_**


	4. Monday Morning

**The Secret Life of the Malfoy's**

**A / N**: I need some humor in my life. Spare me and allow me to get in touch with the crackish side I had abandoned for reality. I will eventually update my other stories – I'm just- ugh in need of a major laugh fest. Seriously, I'm like college serious right now and I want some no-serious time. Hence this chapter.

**Warning: **I have completely forgotten if I mentioned what year they are in. So, if I put the wrong year, you may proceed to bash my head against the wall. Just to play safe I will say 5th year, because Sirius is alive. AND this is not edited. Yet. YET!

Chapter Title: Monday Mornings

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"I SWEAR TO GOD MALFOY-"

"I don't know this fucking God so I'm not going to believe you! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

"-I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING YOU STUPID PRICK."

"LIAR!"

Let us pause.

Eh-heheh. You might be wondering how this all started. Well you see –

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX FLASH**

_-I groaned as I felt something warm press against me. It was almost like someone was holding me protectively. It felt really nice- like so nice that I could start loving Monday's. I mean if this is how good it wouldn't mind having someone in my bed all the time. Although…that person was doing something weird to my bum– you know it's almost funny because if feels like I'm being-…a person in…my…bed…_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!__" I screamed. The person who was holding me was startled and I heard a loud thump followed by a groan. I scrambled to look down to the floor and flushed brilliantly. I covered my eyes quickly. "FUCKING SHIT POTTER GET RID OF TH-THAT!"_

_I got a mumbled response. "I DON"T CARE IF YOU GOT A RUDE AWAKENING YOU-" I froze. I could even feel my eyes widening as my lashes brushed against the palms of my hand. I think I was also gaping because Potter asked me what was going on._

_I dropped my hands, momentarily forgetting Potter's problem, before putting them back up again. "YOU-You-Youuuuuu PERVERT!"_

"_What the bloody he-"_

"_WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME YOU SICK CREATURE?"_

"_I didn-"_

"_YOU WERE HUMPING ME IN MY SLEEP!" I gasped, hands still over my eyes. "YOU RAPED ME DIDN'T YOU?_

"_I still have my-"_

"_OH MERLIN MY VIRGINITY! YOU TOOK MY VIRGINITY BASTARD!"_

_I heard Potter sputtering for a good few seconds before my hands was forced away from my eyes. He glared at me and I was only too willing to glare back. "I. Didn't. Do. Anything."_

**XXXXXXXXX FLASH END **

Stupid Gryffindor raped me in my sleep. Can't you see how terrible that is? I'm sure you agree. So…let's go back to the present time…

"I didn't do anything Malfoy! Don't you think you would be- well- _naked _and _sore_ if I did." He said. I froze once again thinking. I concluded that, no, I wasn't sore, and yes, I still had yesterday's clothes on.

"Eeewww I'm still wearing stuff from yesterday." I said pulling at my clothes. Potter gave an exaggerated sigh. I blinked.

SLAP.

"OW! What the hell did I supposedly do now!"

"YOU HUMPED ME! And why the hell were you on my bed in the first place!"

"Chained together, remember?" He said shaking the chain in emphasis. I blinked again and groaned. I flopped back on the bed and buried my face in the pillow.

"I'm stuck with the most insufferable, ignorant prick ever- get _molested_ by said prick in less than week – can anything in my life get any worse?"

"DRACO, HARRY, THAT UNFASIONABLE GIRL IS HERE AGAIN! SHE BROUGHT ALONG WITH ANOTHER CHICK WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU DRAKE-POO! CAN I TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF?" Lexie yelled from the other room.

…

I sobbed. "Why does life hate me?"

Potter snorted. "Try being me for once."

"I'd rather not be molested by a bald snake man – thank you very much."

"…I was not molested."

"No, you're right you weren't." I lifted my face from the pillow and glared at him and his gorgeous eyes."I was molested today. Not you."

…Did I just think he had gorgeous eyes? I went wide eyed again and he gave me a wary look covering the cheek I slapped. I pounced and shook him. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME YOU STUPID NERDY PRICK!" I screamed at him. Potter tried to shake me off him.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS TIME!" He said kneeing me in the stomach. I 'oofed' and fell back onto the bed gripping my stomach. I sniffed and glared at him. "Jerk."

Potter rubbed his face. "Look, I'm going to extend this chain and get out of this room. Come out when you stop PMSing like a girl."

In my shock, I watched him leave the room before turning red in anger. "I'M NOT A GIRL."

And after that I proceeded to pout while taking note to ask Blaise for my journal. I had a rant to write.

…I also felt as if I forgotten about something said moments ago. Eh, oh well.

**XXXX A half an hour later later XXXX**

Sometimes I wonder why there is a need for food. If I didn't need to eat and etcetera I would be very happy to sulk on my, not ours, _MY_ bed all day.

Alas, it was impossible. For my stomach had been growling for the last ten minutes begging for some food. I grumbled as I walked out of the room making sure to slam the door hard. Potter jumped from his place on the couch and gave me a sleepy look. I guess he fell asleep again. "Let's go get our bloody breakfast." I mumbled tugging the chain. I was weird to have a chain wrapped around your chest really. Kinky, but weird.

…Oh dear god they're _tainting _me. Tainting my holy, divine self, and-and _purity_ is being tainted by Golden Boy and a painting –A **PAINTING** for Merlin's sake in less than forty-eight hours.

I felt someone push me and I glared at the offending person. Potter glared back. "Are we going or did you wake me up for no goddamn reason?" I resisted the urge to stick out my tongue at him childishly. I swear he'd probably find something perverted to do with it. Stupid molester. I began moving again ignoring his insistent mumbles. We weren't even halfway there when I had to say. "You know the first sign of insanity is when you talk to yourself."

"You know it is none of your business." He responded still walking behind me. He yanked the chain and I stumbled back a bit. I threw a glare over my shoulder and continued to move. He seemed to declare this 'let's-annoy-Draco-bloody-Malfoy" day because he yanked on the chain, _again_, for no reason. I stumbled, _again_, and sent him a glare, _again_.

I, Draco Malfoy, being the generous beauty in the entire world decided to give him on more- _**YANK. **_

…Screw generosity. I turned graciously and pounced Potter with all my might while screaming madly. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"

We then proceeded to collect dust on our robes by rolling around the ground like common barbarians. It was either karma or a fan girl's doing that by the time we both stopped to catch our breath that our position was rather…tempting. I somehow ended up on top of him- bum pressed firmly on his crotch, flushed, and was panting dangerously. He, on the other hand, somehow ended up holding my waist with one hand and my right wrist with the other. It is like some sickening romance book where eyes met with a certain giddy atmosphere because he yanked my wrist, causing me to yelp and lean down closer to him, while leaning forward himself and brushing his lips against my own. By the heat gathering around my face I would say I blushed brilliantly as he took my bottom lip and _nibbled_ on it as if it were a mere tasty treat. He then proceeded to make me crave a long heavy snog by just merely teasing my own lips. The hand on my hip moved seductively on my body before it found my soft, silky hair. I gasped as he yanked my head back- exposing my neck for any kind of wondrous torture he prepared to give. He immediately attacked. His teeth threatening to break the skin while the hand holding my wrist loosened. It was odd how he massaged my pulse line with his thumb. I shivered. My wrists were a sensitive place and he must have realized that for he released my neck and hair to bring my wrist to his mouth.

He moved his hand and placed his lips over the point. He gently sucked and- _Oh_.

I moaned.

I _moaned._

My eyes widen and I quickly yanked my arm back. He blinked before giving me a confused look. Then his own wide-eyed look joined in. A few minutes passed…

**XXXX**

**A / N: **_Would you kill me if I ended it here? _

…_._

_O-oh. Um…I'll continue for a little longer._

_-whimpers- Please stop pointing those ultra sharp spears at me. _

**XXXX**

We screamed at the same time. We both proceeded to jump and scramble away from each other. It would have been more of a hilarious moment if we weren't, you know, horrified at the thought of us having just displayed sexual tension that has existed since sometime last year.

… you know anything with the word _sex _in it is getting way to comfortable in my mind. I take pride in knowing that I am not a man-whore like everyone thinks…and that I don't own a harem.

He faced away from me cursing like I have never heard before. I, on the other hand, was staring in fear at my crotch while cursing male testosterone with every fiber of my being. I also turned away from Potter a few seconds after my own damnation of hormones ended because…err…well…

Just. Because.

**XXXX**

We were pretty much late for breakfast. After the 'unfortunate accident' earlier, Potter and I argued for about a good fifteen minutes before running towards the Great Hall.

I don't think we could have made a more embarrassing entrance even if Longbottom came in forgetting to wear his trousers.

I ended up making a spectacle of myself by fighting with Potter on seating arrangements, which consisted of constant tugging of the chain (I'm telling you if I find bruises around my chest later this evening Potter is going to **die**), with the all four Houses staring at us in amusement or annoyance. It wasn't until McGonagall-bitch interrupted us with a smug look. Severus, my godfather and Slytherin's head of house, also came along giving Potter a 'all-your-fault' glare and then threw me a look of pity (which I seethed at because he could have _helped _me instead). Eh-hem. Back to McGonagall-bitch…

She… is forcing me to sit with Gryffindors.

…

I whimpered inwardly. I _**hate **_Monday mornings.

**A/ N: **Now I end it here because I have Martial Arts/ Self Defense class tomorrow evening and I need all the sleep I can get. And blessings, please hope I survive the wrath of my teacher/coach.

And with that I start this: I apologize in lack of updates. Please realize that I have been busy this summer. I can give this small summary of what was going on: family problems (dad's shift changes, mom's can be bitches, and my cousin has gone semi-psycho), medical problems (blood test and x-ray on knee), college assessment test (English then Math and Reading), college orientation, college application problems (stupid application had me on hold and I didn't realize it until TWO WEEKS TIL THE FREAKING FALL SEMESTER STARTED), college registration problems (college website system was down), more college stuff, and cleaing/re-arranging/remodeling my room.

…Yeah I was busy this summer. I'll try to write on Monday's, Friday's, and Sunday's since those are my day off. Wednesday's are a maybe if and only if I don't get into my math class on that day.

_I thank you if you can understand my lack of updates and if you understand why I wanted to write some nonsense and somewhat almost-snog-leading-to-smut content. I hope you can put up with me during my first college year._

**Next Chapter: **Lexie reveals Lucius Malfoy's fettish and Sirius Black's super secret sexy technique that has Malfoy senior licking his boots- _and _cock. Narcissa Malfoy has a- _WHAT DID YOU SAY_? And Potter shows his wand! Poor Draco is going to go crazy within a week. **Til' next time!**

_-Lurv ScifiSOS_


End file.
